Sue Stauffer

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When you think about motherhood in terms of a job, you have to wonder who in her right mind would want to take on such a position.

The job description is: “A lifetime commitment. A team player for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

The candidate must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends, possible backpacking and hiking adventures and attendance at endless sports tournaments or ball games in other cities.

Must be able to drive in heavy traffic with maximum distractions from quarreling or noisy children. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties and daily taxi service required.

The candidate must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 or transportation.

Must be willing to bite her tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying “wolf.”

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices.

Must always hope for the best, but must also be prepared for the worst at every occasion. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility as well as laundry, meal preparation, language proficiency, chauffeur services, activity direction, educational consultation and knowledge of a ‘jack of all trades!’

There is no possibility for advancement and promotion. A mother remains in the same position for years, constantly retraining and updating her skills so that those in her charge can ultimately surpass her and succeed.

Unfortunately, no previous experience is required. On-thejob training is offered on a continually exhausting basis with no adequate handbook or instructions available. (Babies don’t come with directions!)

You get to pay them by offering frequent raises and bonuses through the allowance system.

You also get to provide them with transportation, education, medical assistance, dental coverage, entertainment and vacations.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reversesalary scheme is that mothers actually wish they could only do more.

No health or dental insurance, pension, tuition reimbursement, paid holidays or stock options are offered; however, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. That is why so many women chose this as their primary occupation every year with no regrets!

Happy Mother’s Day!