Dear Parent Coach,

Dear Parent Coach, I took our cat to the vet recently, but she was so ill she had to be put to sleep. My children, ages 5 and 7, were very shocked and upset at the news. What suggestions do you have for helping them accept their pet’s death?

Signed, A Sad Mom

Dear Sad Mom,

For many children, the loss of a beloved pet may be their first experience with death. This experience for a child can produce similar feelings to what an adult feels at losing a good friend. Parents are sometimes caught off guard by the depth of their child’s feelings, and it is hard for them to know how to provide comfort.

Depending on their age and the circumstances, children will have different responses to the news of a pet’s death. If children are aware that a pet is seriously ill and is declining, they have more time to consider death as a possibility. A sudden and unexpected death of a pet, however, is harder to accept.

Whatever their child’s reaction, parents can honor the grief process by allowing time for it to run its course, and by providing parental empathy and reassurance along the way.

Part of the grief process will include expression of various feelings, ranging from out-and-out anger and frustration, to inconsolable crying, to complete silence and sadness and the need to be left alone. Parents can encourage their children to express these feelings freely and without shame, as well as ask questions surrounding the pet’s death.

Children may wonder what illness their pet had, if they experienced any pain or suffering, and if their pet is now free from pain. They may also ask what the vet did to help, and what a vet actually does to put a pet “to sleep.” Answer all questions seriously, with patience, and with truthful answers, as hard as they may be to hear.

As with any difficult experience in life, a parent’s attitude and empathy can greatly assist their child with the process of examining feelings, answering questions, and then moving forward. Parental patience, calm reassurance and love are keys to the healing process after the loss of a well loved pet. Lots of hugs are in order.

Try this:

1. Prepare children ahead if a pet is very ill and may not recover. Answer questions truthfully and thoroughly.

2. When a pet dies, assure your child that they did a good job of caring for their pet and that it wasn’t their fault the pet died.

3. Gather the family together for a time of remembering the things that were loved and enjoyed about the pet.

4. Young children can draw a picture of themselves with the pet, and older children may want to write a letter. Display these in your home or make a family scrapbook to keep pictures and memories of the pet.

5. A family ceremony can be held for fond remembrance and to say goodbye to a beloved pet. This will help children to experience closure.

6. A small pet can be buried in the backyard and the spot designated with a garden stone or childmade marker with the pet’s name.

7. Allow children sufficient time to mourn and experience grief before talking about getting a new pet.

8. Read books together about the loss of a pet, such as “The Ten Good Things About Barney.” Others are also available.

9. When you sense your child’s sadness, hold her close.

Jan Roberts is an educator in La Cañada Flintridge, an accomplished speaker, author, and she provides individual parent consultation. She has been an instructor for the Parent Education program at La Cañada Presbyterian Church for 14 years, is a former Palm Crest Elementary School teacher and a mother of three grown children. Readers may send parent questions to TheParentCoach@sbcglobal.net.