We all have a mental picture of who we are, how we look, what we’re good at, and what our weaknesses might be. We develop this picture over time, starting when we’re very young kids. The term “self-image” is used to refer to a person’s mental picture of him or herself. A lot of our self-image is based on interactions we have with other people and our life experiences. This mental picture (our self-image) contributes to our self-esteem.

But what is self-esteem really and how can one improve it? First of all it is important to remember that self-esteem is a set of learned behaviors. There is no standard definition of self-esteem, but it usually refers to how we think about ourselves. Someone with poor self-esteem may repeatedly say that he is a failure or that he can’t do something even in the face of contrary evidence. He may also not try new things or may not initiate conversations or friendships. We learn our self-esteem largely from the way our parents talked to and treated us as children. If we were criticized for particular behaviors, then we probably learned to criticize ourselves. For example, if a child accidentally bumps into a table and a parent calls him clumsy and continues to use this term over and over, every time the child trips or bumps into something or someone he may start to describe himself as clumsy in general.

Another source of poor self-esteem is frequent failure. Children may be set up for failures if they are expected to be perfect — an impossible goal — or if they are not given proper instruction or the tools to succeed. Low self-esteem can make many things difficult. A person with low self-esteem might blame himself for things that aren’t his fault, underestimate his abilities, and expect things to always go wrong for him. Any learned behavior, whether it’s math, reading, playing a musical instrument or participating in a sport consists of many small steps in the learning process. When tasks of any kind are broken down into small components they are much easier to learn and accomplish. Rewards for each success step are a positive reinforcement and provide encouragement leading to success.

Building self-esteem is part of good parenting since parents are a child’s first teacher. They must make certain their children can succeed no matter how small or insignificant the task and then praise the success. It is not beneficial to praise a child unconditionally or globally but more effective to praise small successful behaviors specifically. By rewarding small accomplishments with specific praise, the child will not only be more likely to accomplish those behaviors but will also echo such statements to himself when he succeeds at them. He will learn to be fair to himself, be more objective about his own good qualities and be more confident in his abilities.

Self-esteem is all about how much we feel valued, loved, accepted, and thought well of by others — and how much we value, love and accept ourselves. How we feel about ourselves can influence how we live our lives. People who feel that they are likable and lovable (in other words, people with good self-esteem) have better relationships. They are more likely to ask for help and support from friends and family when they need it.

It’s never too late to build healthy, positive self-esteem. Remember good self-esteem begins in childhood, so make certain that you are helping your child grow and develop with confidence and security. Having good self-esteem allows people to live life to the fullest. People of all ages who believe they can accomplish goals and solve problems are more likely to succeed in whatever they do.