Dear Parent Coach,

I am wondering how many after school activities a child should be involved in, and when it is O.K. to quit an activity. My third-grade daughter is in scouts, dance and soccer, and now wants to add piano. My 7-year-old son just started playing on a soccer team and has already asked to drop out. I’m unsure about what to say to either one of them.

Signed,
Help!

Dear Help!,

Being involved in extracurricular activities has many nice advantages for children, but it is important to keep a balance between overinvolvement and leaving some time to be at home so children can attend to homework, chore responsibilities, creative play or just daydreaming.

Children have unique gifts and talents as well as differing energy levels. Thus, one child may be interested in multiple involvements while another can handle only one activity in addition to school. Only a parent can decide what’s best for each child, or how many extras one family can manage given the time and energy that is available.

It is wise to remember that school is very demanding for most children and some unstructured time is needed for them to assimilate the events of the day. Children who are especially sensitive may experience additional activities as overstimulating and may feel more stressed than enriched. On the other hand, others feel a relief from the stress of school by such involvement.

Most children benefit from at least one activity that enables them to explore an interest, learn a new skill, enhance a talent, or just have fun with friends, and will provide opportunities for additional friendships, new exposures, and confidence building. These are all great reasons to participate.

However, starting him in soccer at age 4 so he’ll be good enough to possibly get a college scholarship, signing her up for ballet because it’s what Mom always wanted to do as a child, or starting violin lessons because a best friend is doing it, are all misguided reasons for involvement with the probability of a short duration.

Experts advise only one fun activity that is non-competitive for young children. Team involvements are for children who are ready to commit to hanging in there no matter what “for the good of the whole.” And music lessons should be reserved for older chldren who have enough patience and discipline for practicing and properly caring for an instrument.

Many parents, in an attempt to provide enrichment for their children, find themselves managing a “frenzied family” with a plethora of weekly activities. In the end, family time is compromised, homework is completed late in the day by tired children, and relaxed space for creative play is eliminated.

A child has a lifetime to pursue interests and develop talents. Every possiblity doesn’t need to be experienced in the first 12 years of life. In fact, Grandma Moses started painting in her 80s, and she was selftaught.

Try This:

1. Assess the unique talents, interests and energy level of your children before agreeing to extra activities.

2. Limit your daughter to two (or maximum three) activities per week. To add piano, suggest she drop something else.

3. Before starting piano, talk to your daughter about your expectations regarding practicing and length of involvement.

4. Observe your son’s soccer game to detect why he might want to quit (too young, lacks skills, overbearing coach, etc.). Listen to his concerns.

5. Encourage your son to remain supportive of his soccer team if possible, unless there is a glaring reason to terminate.

6. Attend his games to cheer him on.

7. In agreeing to extra activities, be realistic about what your family can manage.

8. Protect important family time to include family meals, time for homework, and to relax and enjoy family members.

Jan Roberts is an educator in La Cañada Flintridge, an accomplished speaker, author, and she provides individual parent consultation. She has been an instructor for the Parent Education program at La Cañada Presbyterian Church for 14 years, is a former Palm Crest Elementary School teacher and a mother of three grown children. Readers may send parent questions to TheParentCoach@sbcglobal.net.