Dear Parent Coach,

Our college daughter was here for Thanksgiving break, and it was great to have her home! However, I found it was very awkward to know how to decide on curfews for her, and it created tension between us. Do you have advice regarding this? I’d like things to go more smoothly when she comes home for winter break.

Signed, Dad

Dear Dad,

Every time a student returns home from college, there is a normal period of readjustment for all family members. Because the family has been living apart for awhile, everyone has become used to life without one another. Now all of a sudden, when the family is back under the same roof, tensions arise in the transitional period as routines are upended and relationships are renewed.

Your daughter has been at college and on her own for several months now, making lots of decisions, no doubt enjoying her newfound independence, and answering to no one about the hours she keeps.

As her dad, perhaps you have felt proud of the way your daughter has adapted to the college lifestyle, has learned how to stay within a budget, and kept up with her academic workload as well. Although you have been unaware of her college life “comings and goings,” you probably have learned to relax and trust her judgment.

From a distance, you haven’t had enough information about your daughter’s daily and nightly whereabouts to give you cause to worry! But now that she’s home for vacation and you know when she’s out late, you are automatically reclaiming the responsibility you once had to keep her safe.

Parents are often shocked at the hours college students keep. Just as the family is turning out the lights and heading for bed, their collegiate is leaving for a coffee date across town with an old friend. Inquiries about when they’ll be back is met with resistance.

Now parents who have become accustomed to a good night’s sleep lay awake worrying, while their college student feels somewhat irritated at parental rules they have long ago forgotten. The next morning as the family gets busy with routines and responsibilities, the college student is catching up on sleep and is nowhere to be seen.

To make vacations more enjoyable with a returning college student, good family communication regarding expectations and current rules at home should be shared at the beginning of the visit. At the same time, parents need to acknowledge the emerging independence and capabilities of their collegiate. By showing the same trust while their student is at home as they do when she’s away at college, they will pave the road for a smoother visit.

Try this:

1. Upon your daughter’s return from college, allow two days for her to catch up on sleep and ease back into the routine of the family.

2. When your daughter goes out for the evening, ask her to tell you an approximate time she’ll be home (let her set her own curfew), and a phone number where she can be reached.

3. Remind her of the family’s schedule, and ask her to respect the routines of family members.

4. Let your daughter know what your expectations are for her participation in family events or responsibilities.

5. Make your home a welcome place for your daughter’s friends to visit while she’s home for vacation.

6. Take your daughter out alone for breakfast to re-establish your relationship and be reminded what a mature and responsible young woman she is becoming.

Jan Roberts is an educator in La Cañada Flintridge, an accomplished speaker, author, and she provides individual parent consultation. She has been an instructor for the Parent Education program at La Cañada Presbyterian Church for 14 years, is a former Palm Crest Elementary School teacher and a mother of three grown children. Readers may send parent questions to TheParentCoach@sbcglobal.net.