Dear Parent Coach,

My daughter will be 8 years old at the end of June and she is already thinking about her birthday party. I feel we should invite all the girls in her class but there are two or three she doesn’t want to include. She has been left out of some of their parties, and so does not want them to come to hers. Is there a sensitive way to handle this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings?

Signed,
Party Planner

Dear Party Planner,

A birthday is the one day in the year a child should feel special and a bit catered to. It’s a great opportunity for a parent to really listen to their child’s ideas and wishes. Although not all these will be possible, just entertaining a child’s creative thoughts is very gratifying to them. As part of the process, they put great thought into who they want to share their special day with.

There is a considerable amount of “girl drama” that begins about this age. It often comes into play at birthday time. Girls learn fairly early that their words can be powerful, hurtful and even manipulative. The phrase, “I’m not going to invite you to my birthday party” has a long history of being a very powerful manipulative tool.

Not getting invited to a classmate’s party is a hurtful blow for a child. Having experienced this with your daughter more than once, you are no doubt wanting to keep other children from feeling this, and you hope this can be prevented by including everyone in the class at the party.

From your daughter’s point of view, however, she probably wants to celebrate with good friends who are loyal, pleasant, kind, and who she knows will make nice guests. She needs to feel comfortable and free to enjoy herself, and not worry about entertaining two or three girls she feels alienated from. This will put a damper on her celebration.

Encourage your daughter to comprise a list of friends she would enjoy being with. Perhaps a few will be from her class, a few from her Brownie troop and some from her church group. The rule of thumb for children’s parties is to limit the guests to the age of the child. Inviting just eight friends will result in a lively but manageable event.

To prevent hurt feelings of the others who are not invited this time, ask your daughter not to talk about her party at school. Mail the invitations directly to the guests’ homes with a note to the effect that the guest list is limited. Having the party after school is out for the summer will make this easier.

In our family, we also had a family party for the birthday girl, including her favorite meal and birthday cake. The baby book came out so we could all remember the day this extraordinary girl was born, and balloons were tied to the front porch to let everyone know we were celebrating a special day and person in our family. This completed the day that began with heart-shaped waffles in bed and the family all singing happy birthday.

Birthdays are an opportunity to focus on only one child and to acknowledge the gift she is to the family. It will not spoil a child if one day a year she is honored by her family with a series of little extravagances. Add a party with a few good, comfortable friends, and the birthday girl should be glowing as brightly as the candles on her cake!

TRY THIS:

1. Have a planning session with your daughter. Listen to her party ideas and include as many as possible.

2. Allow her to address her own invitations and take her to mail them.

3. Invite extended family members to the family party. Provide an opportunity for guests to share something they love about the birthday girl.

4. Set your daughter’s baby book in a central location for everyone to enjoy.

5. End the day by telling your daughter how much you love her and how glad you are that she was born!

Jan Roberts is an educator in La Cañada Flintridge, an accomplished speaker, author, and she provides individual parent consultation. She has been an instructor for the Parent Education program at La Cañada Presbyterian Church for 14 years, is a former Palm Crest Elementary School teacher and a mother of three grown children. Readers may send parent questions to TheParentCoach@sbcglobal.net.