Dear Parents of College-Bound Students,

Hopefully this summer has been full of good memory-making moments for your family as you may have had in the back of your mind the thought that life is about to change. And you’re right. Sending a child off to a whole new stage of life at college is a major event for the entire family!

If your firstborn is the one going off to college this fall, you are experiencing the college launching and letting go phenomenon for the first time and you may be understandably apprehensive about how it will affect the balance of the family mobile. Energy has gone into purchasing the laptop computer and extra long sheets, but now it is hard to think of that room being empty and a vacant chair at the next family meal.

If you’re saying goodbye to an upperclassman, you pretty much know the back-to-college routine by now. Your student will probably be packing their own things this time, and you may in fact be very ready to see them, with their emerging independence, head back to stay up all hours of the night somewhere else besides your home. You’ve loved having them, but you’re glad they feel so at home and happy at their college. It’s certainly easier to say goodbye the second time around, and you’ll look forward to seeing them at Thanksgiving.

So as summer draws to a close and a college departure date looms ahead, parents and collegiates alike may be feeling a combination of apprehension, sadness, fearfulness, excitement and motivation. Yet hearts are full of hope and expectation.

It is normal for tension to develop in a family brimming with such a variety of emotions. If these remain unexpressed, they may result in irritated eruptions between family members. It may be more productive to schedule a time where these feelings can be honestly shared in the family to ensure more enjoyable last days together.

In the flurry of preparation, not to be overlooked are younger siblings. This parting experience can be very difficult and wrenching for them as well. It is helpful to talk about practical ways they’ll be able to keep in touch with their older sister or brother, who by now may be not only a good friend, but a mentor as well. They will feel the loss. On the upside, they have not yet experienced having the bathroom all to themselves!

One of the traditions of parting college students seems to be a never ending round of goodbyes with old high school friends, up until the night before their departure. This is a necessary element of separation from the familiar life they have known. In a sense, this is one more step in saying goodbye to childhood.

Goodbye to the family is more difficult and is usually delayed until the very last moment, at the curb in front of the dorm. This is a poignant encounter. Everyone realizes that someone is being taken off of the family mobile and it will take awhile before it can find its balance again. Restrain from giving last minute instructions and reminders, and make it short with an “I love you and I know you’ll do great” hug.

Important to remember is that the family unit, although physically apart, is bound by shared moments and memories through the years, it is held together by family traditions celebrated a million times, and it is surrounded by the love of extended family members.

This “spirit of family” does not end with a child going away to college. It remains strong within the hearts of the collegiate and her family. Yes, life will be different, but love bridges the gap.

Try This:

1. Go over basic skills before leaving home: laundry, money matters, health care, etc.

2. Before departure for college, schedule a date for siblings and your college student to spend a fun time together.

3. Plan a parents-student dinner to discuss expectations, budget, social life, communication plan agreed upon. Share stories of your own college days — the fun and foibles.

4. A week before leaving, head to a favorite restaurant with the whole family to share thoughts and feelings about your changing family.

5. Think of ways to share family traditions with your college student. Include these in care packages.

6. At the dorm curb, remember the best goodbyes are short and positive. This is not the time for more advice and admonitions. What is helpful at this point is to convey your excitement for all your child has to look forward to, and the confidence you have that he is capable of handling whatever comes his way. Keep it private, brief, sincere and loving. Give him a big hug, tell him you love him and will be in touch soon, and head to your car. It isn’t easy, but I know you’ll do it well.

Signed,

The Parent Coach (who has launched three daughters into college)

Jan Roberts is an educator in La Cañada Flintridge, an accomplished speaker, author, and she provides individual parent consultation. She has been an instructor for the Parent Education program at La Cañada Presbyterian Church for 14 years, is a former Palm Crest Elementary School teacher and a mother of three grown children. Readers may send parent questions to TheParentCoach@sbcglobal.net.