Dear Parent Coach,

I often hear stories from my teen regarding the partying and other weekend activities of high schoolers in the community. I am concerned with what I hear. I’m wondering if I have a responsibility to let parents know if their teen has been involved in unsafe activities.

Signed,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

It’s natural for parents to have concerns not only for their own teen, but for the well-being of their children’s friends as well. In small communities, especially, families become wel l connec ted through school events, church involvements, and sports teams. Parents come to know their kids’ friends quite well over time.

Years of camaraderie, as parents watch each others children grow from one stage to the next, produces a familiarity between families that invites deeper involvement.

When children reach the teen years, therefore, it almost feels as if it has been a joint effort of the community, that the whole “village” has somehow had a hand in raising them. When something seems amiss with a child who an adult has known since kindergarten, an understandable response would be one of concern and caring.

Teens are a frenetic bunch, and are definitely risk-takers. Weekends are a time for them to kick back and relieve the stress of the past academic week. Unfortunately, alcohol and drugs are the form of weekend relaxation that many teens choose. Risk-taking behaviors in teens are greatly increased by the use of alcohol and drugs.

Your question regarding personal involvement in another teen’s weekend escapades is one many parents wonder about. I’m sure your motivation, as for most parents, is one of interest in the welfare of the teen involved.

The tricky part here is the definition of an “unsafe activity,” as parents in any given community would probably differ on this. Something that would be alarming to you as a parent may be the very thing another parent may choose to shut their eyes to. The only thing you can confidently set standards for is the behavior and safety of your own teen.

A good thing to remember when deciding whether or not to act on your concern for your teen’s friends, is that most parents are very defensive of their own children’s behavior. Many may be in denial regarding their child’s poor choices and mistakes, and don’t want them pointed out.

Therefore, I suggest treading somewhat hesitantly into the matter of notifying other parents of their teen’s weekend wildness.

Hearing stories of teen escapades may begin with feelings of genuine concern on the part of a parent, but can easily spill over into dramatic accounts to share with other parents at Starbucks on Monday morning. “Guess what I heard happened over the weekend...?” now moves into the category of good gossip rather than helpful involvement.

It would be wise to use the stories your teen tells you to redefine your own standards of safety and acceptability in your family, and to open conversations with your teen regarding your behavioral expectations on the weekends.

TRY THIS:

1. Before getting involved, ask yourself, “What is my motivation in sharing this information?”

2. Network with other parents who are your friends, asking if they would like to know if their teen is seen making unsafe choices.

3. Don’t pass on information that is just hearsay from another source, but only what you’ve directly observed.

4. Ask your teen how he might feel if you decide to share an incident he has reported to you regarding another teen’s behavior.

5. Know that a good friend would probably be more receptive of your concern regarding their teen than a parent you’ve never met before.

6. Ask yourself if this is a dangerous enough situation that you would always regret it if you chose to stay quiet, then something eventually happened to the teen involved.

7. If you do choose to notify another parent, simply offer the information. Say, “If this were me, I’d want to know.” Don’t stay on the phone to offer advice or make judgments.

8. Put most of your energy into your own teen, setting standards, enforcing curfews, and being aware of what his activities are and who he is with. Give lots of praise for his great choices in the midst of peer pressure.